Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
