I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
