barbara walters just said penis...
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
