I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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