It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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