Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
