My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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