I think my fart just growled at me.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Randomize
