ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
