Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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