Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
