i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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