this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
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