Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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