you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
