Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
