Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
