you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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