week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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