what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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