I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
