Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
