After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I looked at my own cervix.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
