My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
