If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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