She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
