Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Randomize
