if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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