I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
