Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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