Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
