So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
