I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
