there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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