There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I smell stomach acid.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I forget how to act sober
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
