You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
