omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
