They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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