Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
