I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Buhtt sex?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
