there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
