She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
