STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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