I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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