we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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