I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
