Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Randomize