I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
