so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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