My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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