After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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