What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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