I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
