who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
