Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
