I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Drake has all the answers
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
