I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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