I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
