Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
