I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
