He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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